5 months later...

Reading back on that last post, I want to tell you that all is better and I am 100% back to crushing life in the best way. I am in a different place. Not where I used to be when I had this intense focus and drive to get every single training session in and then some. I am trying to figure out where I am right now mentally, which is why I am finding myself writing this post.

In my last post I talked about massive projects with huge stakes. Well, the project launched on Monday. The last 3 months have been pretty nutty, esp since I started training also for the Pittsburgh marathon on January 1. The project being live is indeed a huge relief and overall it has been a success. This next month feels like it will be trying to get back to a normalcy at work. Catch up or progress things that paused during March when Five9 took all our team's energy. So as I sit here the first weekend post launch, I have a MASSIVE list of things to do. But I do feel like I can accomplish them. I will just need to put my head down and do the work.

I've found myself saying that a lot recently, whether it is related to work, or training. I know that I can sustain that for a bit but that is not a long term way to approach things. I am a person who needs to feel joy and like I have a bit more say over how I navigate things. And of course all of these things are choices, but they are choices that come with consequences that I am not willing to face for not doing them, hence I put my head down and do the work. I think I just need it to get me through the next 5 weeks. Get to the marathon finish line. And then we go from there. 

I am not signed up for anything after the marathon until mid August, and it is a 70.3 distance tri in Grand Rapids. Part of what brings me to writing this is I have been questioning whether or not I want to do that race. I've been thinking about moving it to an Olympic distance. Part of is thinking about not doing it at all. And so I've been trying to figure out why I feel that way. Is it just a product of the last 3 months being really challenging? Or something more. 

I've had 2 things come to mind as I have tried to digest this. 

1. I don't know if I want to spend my Saturdays doing 4 hour training rides all summer. That's dramatic - there would probably only be 2 or 3 four hour rides. But the idea of long Saturday mornings riding a structured ride where I have to be dialed on nutrition, doing internals at specific watts, and mostly solo, just sounds like no fun. I want to join group rides, and I want to ride long and easy, do things like my first century ride, and just feel like I can do what I want, and at this exact moment, I don't want to do what I described. I want to reconnect with the Power Zone pack for Peloton and feel the community aspects of training. I don't have any of that when I am working towards a race on a set training plan. 

2. So then I try to think why don't I want to do it. And the thought I keep having is: I started all of this to prove to myself that I could do things I would have once said I could never do. But I've done it. I've done it over and over and over. I've shown myself that if I want to do something, I can put in the work and energy and do it. And I have enough confidence in myself to know that this is true even for the ultimate item, an Ironman. But then the question becomes, do I want to put in that level of dedication to accomplishing those things. And for a long time the answer was yes. Right now, the answer is I don't know. So losing track of my "why" means I need to take a step back to figure that out for sure. 

I am trying to navigate this because I don't think right now, 5 days post launch of a massive project, and 5 weeks out from my first marathon in 10 years, is the time to make hasty decisions. I am going to talk to my coach this weekend and get her guidance on this. And then know that after the marathon I will figure it out. With the marathon we have taken the approach of trying to have fun and not set out with a truly specific goal for the race. And it's interesting because I think I do need that approach. But as race day gets a bit closer, I find myself not feeling totally certain on what I should strive for on that day. I do know these last 5 weeks are where the quality really starts to come in, and I see what I can do, and that should give me a sense of things. But this is so different from how I approached my half marathon training for Indy in 2021. I did that myself so obviously didn't really know exactly what I was doing, but I did have a time goal and I knew what paces I needed to hit to do that. Something I have thought about since that race - I came in literally 1-2 min under my goal time. So I mean I truly nailed it. But the nagging question was - did I actually have more to give, but because I knew what pace to run to hit my goal, and I could hit that pace on race day, I just did that pace instead of potentially tapping more into "what is the effort" and maybe focusing on effort that day could have resulted in something more. I'll never know. But the point is is that I think maybe that is a good side of not going into this with whole training block with a specific time goal. 

I am mostly starting to ramble at this point. But definitely a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind. I am incredibly excited to run Pittsburgh and push myself at the marathon. I love running, and it has been really nice to do more of it and not be so split between sports (I haven't been to the pool since November. There was something about those dark freezing winter mornings at 5:30a that I just couldn't face this winter). 

So, who knows that the summer will bring. It is definitely up for grabs. Next Saturday I have my first swim session since November. Will be good to see how that feels mentally. And just take it one week at a time for now. 

Life things, in no particular order:

Shane and I saw Bruce Springsteen on Wednesday. Wow. Worth every single penny. Splurged on seats a bit and was so worth it. Bruce was not even 25 yards away (I really found myself looking at the distance in terms of a 25y swimming pool haha). And they played for 2 hours and 45 min. And just so so so talented. And his voice is just still unbelievable. So yea, amazing. 

Pam and TJ had little Ty come into the world back in December. So I now have 3 nephews and 1 niece. Joey turned 6 2 days ago and AJ had her first birthday back in November. In April we will pass nine years since we said goodbye to Mom. I still cannot comprehend how that much time has gone passed. I don't know how I have experienced 9 years of life without her. It still feels like yesterday. 

We went to Vegas in March. I met up with a couple of women from the Las Vegas tri club and ran a half marathon training run with them. The way those miles flew by is part of why I think I am just starting to recognize that I want more opportunities to do things with others. 

Our campus, my second home, experienced a tragedy like it has never known, when a gunman open fired in Berkey hall and then went to the Union building. 3 lives were lost and 5 injured. Our Spartan community is Spartan Strong and forever changed. 

And so yea. A lot has happened over this winter. And so I know I need to step back and re-evaluate and ensure I am doing things for the right reasons. I just want to make sure that I am spending the time on the things that bring the most joy to all aspects of life. We only have one of these. Better make the most of it.