The journey to find a pocket of contentedness - Realizing I am experiencing burn out.

It has been 8 days since I recognized that I was exhibiting the physical and mental signs of burnout. As I look back now it is clear it has been building. I haven’t been sleeping well, I haven’t been able to focus, I have had minimal to no ability to take action on anything I need to do other than go through the motions. I think the impending winter and shorter days kicked it to a new level and so I found myself in this place less than 2 weeks after the time change, mourning the loss of that extra hour of daylight.

Another catalyst was  two runs in a row with hamstring pain. I have been dealing with hamstring pain in some way since July. I just kept going. After my race I sought out PT and have been going since early October. And I was mostly running pain free. But two runs in a row with pain resulted in me in tears of frustration at my inability to do this thing I “needed” to do. When I told my PT about this, and mentioned a lot of stress at work, she said our stress shows itself at our weakest point. She was telling in pretty plain words telling me that the stresses of life were making it hard for my body to heal.

The day of that second run I went into a work day filled with 7.5 hours of meetings. I am also trying to find my way through several projects that all feel like they have insanely high stakes. And with some of those projects requiring me to navigate delicate waters to not step on toes.  

These things all collided and I realized something had to give. Because I was in a place where the world around me was spinning, my brain could not stop moving, and yet I was paralyzed by the inability to progress. 

And so I had to figure out where I could step back. The place that seemed like the only place to start was with training. I needed less structure in some place and I knew that right now work was not the place I could step back. I emailed my coach. I was so sad about making this choice but also so confident. I typed to her asking her to clear my training calendar because while I could do it myself, actually taking that step felt like too much. 

When I made that choice I thought that would mean I would instead fill my time in the mornings with work. I would work feverishly for a week and a half, get caught up, and then be able to get back to training. I would still move in whatever ways I wanted to. And this would be a quick fix. 

But the next few days made me realize that was the furthest from the truth. The next few mornings when I was in the time that I would train and that I thought I would fill with work, I just found myself sitting quietly with my coffee and dogs. I did 20 minutes of yoga. I did meditations. And I realized that the idea of moving in a way that would introduce physical stress and adrenaline into my body sounded like the worse thing in the world. I was realizing I was so wired by the stress that got me to this place that now that I stepped back enough to recognize that I needed to remove. Training was not a mental relief that was aiding to my physical and mental health as it once was. It was another thing I “needed” to do, even though it was self imposed. 

This started on a Wednesday and as the first weekend approached where I didn’t have any training on the schedule I was really unsure of what to expect. I still went to bed early on Friday night because I needed it. And between Saturday and Sunday I slept between 9-11 hours each night. My body allowed me to go right past my usual body alarm. On Saturday I thought I wanted to do some kind of 20 minute walk or run on my treadmill. And so I tried a 20 minute hike because an old WW/Peloton friend was in the class and I was excited for the comrodery of having someone to high five during the class. I completed the 20 minute hike and as the after workout response moved through my body, my brain raced and I felt like I was back right where I started. I learned that my thought that adrenaline would not be helpful were correct. My brain buzzed in a way that felt very unsettling and I knew I was not ready yet for that. 

This week I did start to see the smallest signs of progress while also still knowing I am certainly still very much not in a place where things are better. I felt progress when on Monday morning I wanted to do some work in the morning. I felt progress when Wednesday morning I found the perfect 15 minute cycling class with CDE. After the class I did a stretch and a meditation which I think helped with me feeling good after that. I know I am still mourning the fact that I am in this place too. Tuesday night I was at a work event and someone commented that I sent an email early that morning and asked if it “was a swim day” and I responded “no, that I am not doing much right now”. This was near the end of the evening and I found myself crying in the car afterwards. Because the verbalization was too much. It felt like admitting defeat. Admitting I cannot do it all. I told Pam about this after and she tried to give me really good perspective. She said that its not at all that I am not doing much, I am taking time to rest, to have an off season. But I was not in a place to accept that. I am still not totally in that place. 

Switching gears for a moment - last week (the day of my second painful run, the one that ended in tears) Michelle Obama released her second book. I bought it and have made some realizations as I have started to read it. Its crazy to see the way I have been feeling reflected back to me in words written by this amazing women. In the introduction she described the way she felt as she watched her father become more ill, the way she felt when he would fall. And I was immediately transported back to the last months of my mom’s life. The time when she fell under my care. Its this feeling of complete helplessness and vast uncertainty about what the world will be when this person that has shown incredibly strength can be in this situation. And then in part one of the book she word for word described the way I have been feeling. And then giving the first tool of working through those moments. I summarize it was “when it all feels too big, go small”. And she says “Look for something that’ll help rearrange your thoughts, a pocket of contentedness where you can live for awhile”. And she goes on to specifically say this isn’t about sitting passively in front of the TV or scrolling your phone. This used to be training for me. But I lost that along the way. Maybe I can get back to that place with training. But in the mean time I need to find something to help me in those moments. 

Its 7:47a on the day after Thanksgiving. It’s been good to read for awhile this morning and try to process things. And now the day is calling and work is waiting.